This past week I found myself in somewhat of a slump. Not only was I sick, but I felt unable to be present in ministry, and unable to be intentional in building relationships. I was frustrated because my mind was racing a million miles a second. What is next for me? Where am I supposed to go to college? What job am I going to have in 10 years? How is God going to use me in the future? I was praying for peace but felt like I was getting nowhere.

It is not bad to think about these things, because the Lord promises that he actually does have plans for us. I think that because it took me so long to believe this truth, now it is easy for me to let those thoughts be consuming. I obviously want God's plan for my life above any other plan, but I didn't know that even this can an idol. I realized this past week that I wanted God's plans for my life more than I actually wanted God. I wanted God's plan for my life, because It would best benefit me, and my desires, not simply because it is His.

God has revealed himself to me in such a way, that I have undoubtedly experienced the tangible presence of God. But I have recently gotten too comfortable. I have gotten too content in what I think I know about God. Not that all the things I now know about God are not right and good and true, but in always thinking about how he will use me, I found myself forgetting to stand in awe of the glory of God right now.

"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is in my bless His holy name! Bless the Lord, Oh my soul, and forget not all his benefits. Who forgives ALL your iniquities. Who heals all your diseases. Who redeems your life from destruction. Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies. Who satisfies your mouth with good things. So that your youth is renewed like the eagles." -Pslam 103:1-5

Someone reminded me of Pslam 103 on Wednesday, when the weight of living in a fallen and broken world felt so heavy on me, and I felt again like my life was mine to carry. I found myself again picking up a burden that was never even mine to pick up. This happens a lot. I find myself overwhelmed and then have to keep giving this burden back to the Lord. But then shockingly, I pick it right back up again. That's no way to live. Thankfully no matter how many times I convince myself that my life is in my own hands, I get reminded pretty quickly that I am not strong enough for that.

It is there, in that surrender that I can again stand in awe of God. I want to want God above all else, so that being faithful in the small things comes naturally. Even before the big picture, "How can I walk in faith in what is next?" There is a time and place for that, but right now I am here. I am in Mexico, in Tuxtla Gutierrez, Chiapas. If do not live like God has called me now, how am I supposed to do that in a year, or 5 years, or 20 years with the bigger things?

"He who is faithful in little is also faithful in much. And whoever is unrighteous in very little will also be unrighteous in a lot." -Luke 16:10

I am stressing about what I am supposed to do, but I don't need to be. Learning to be faithful in a little is a good first step. I would love prayer for this, because I am incapable of even a small amount of faith by myself. Luckily even though I am incapable, He is fully capable of doing this work in me.

I woke up on Friday morning with an overwhelming peace, and no longer felt the need to try and force open the doors that God has for me. The doors will still be there, but it's just not up to me to open them. I prayed that once again I would stand in awe of God's glory. This was a quickly answered prayer. Lead worshiping on at a church Thursday evening, and hearing hundreds of people exalting the same God in Spanish and in English. This morning, hearing 100 kids singing Here I am to Worship in Spanish, while I sang in English. Nothing is more humbling than that.

Yesterday I stood next to a cross on a mountain that is more than 200 feet tall. Yesterday I stood under a waterfall, and could barely stand under the weight of the rushing water. Yesterday, from the bottom of the canyon, I looked up at the vastness of the canyon walls. I love to be places that make me feel small. Places that make me look up. What do I see when I stop looking down at the path, and instead look up? The glory of God. And suddenly not being able to see the path is okay, because I can see my Lord, and He can see the path.